Dating and relationships

Topic: Integration back into society after a TBI, dating and relationships

July, 2011

Greg Goldberg is a Brain Injury Survivor, Inspirational Speaker and author. After suffering a car crash in 1998, Greg spent nearly a month in a coma, followed by a long journey of recovery. Life became fraught with challenges; initially struggling with impulsiveness, bouts of anger and fatigue. However, as the year’s progressed, Greg learned to adapt to his limitations and become proactive in managing and structuring his life so he can enjoy it to the fullest. Today, Greg is upbeat, cheerful and full of zest for life. He uses is experience of living with a brain injury to fuel his compassion and passion to help others with similar experiences. Greg currently volunteers with the Victoria Literacy Program teaching adults how to read. In addition, a portion of proceeds from the sales of his book “The Organ of Intelligence” go to Brain Injury associations and support group across Canada.

Submit your question below or email it to info@brainstreams.ca

Question: I facilitate a brain injury support group. A common theme amongst our group members has been "I'd like to have a girlfriend/boyfriend. How can I find someone to love and who will love me back? Where do I start?" - Simone

Greg's response:

Hi Simone,

I have been running a brain injury support group here in Victoria for some time and have been approached with the same situation from a few in my group as well.

To begin with, I think it is of the utmost importance to get the members of your support group comfortable and confident with themselves. This can all start by introducing them to social situations where they are interacting with other people outside of the group. My group goes to an art workshop and to the movies regularly to gain experience and confidence working with new people and introducing themselves. Once they are comfortable in these situations, the transition to chatting with someone they are interested in dating becomes much easier.

The first thing that I suggest is to get them to make a list of activities that they enjoy doing. These could be hobbies or other activities where they feel comfortable spending time and being themselves. The first step in meeting a potential boyfriend or girlfriend is to make sure that you are being yourself and that usually starts by being in an environment where you feel comfortable and confident. The great thing about doing something that you enjoy means that other people present share the same interests. It is so much easier to initiate a conversation with someone who you may have commonalities with rather than approaching someone out of the blue. In those settings, beginning a conversation or just making eye contact and saying "hello" shows someone that you find them attractive or interesting. What a great way to meet someone simply by sharing something about yourself that you love to do!

I remember when I was single, I would often go to horse shows and fairs simply because I love everything about horses and others who were at the show probably shared that love as well. Frequently, there was an opportunity to initiate a conversation about something going on around me. For example at a exhibit for horse feed products, I may ask an attractive woman, "What type of hay do you prefer to use for the working horse?". It's a pretty innocent question and more than once, this type of question allowed me to start a conversation about something that I felt comfortable talking about. Talking about something that you are passionate about certainly reduces any stress.

One of the members in my support group is fond of sitting by the water in Victoria and often goes for a walk to watch the waves and enjoy the fresh air. Not too long ago, a woman sat beside him on the bench and started a conversation about how beautiful the ocean was. This "opening" led to nice conversation which identified other common interests they share and discuss during regular meetings by the ocean to this day.

To further simplify things, if you cannot get out to favorite activity on a particular day remember there are many other places where you can find someone that shares the same interests as you by just being observant. What about the book store? Is there an author or type of book you like? Hang out in that section. What about the grocery store? Are there foods that you are fond of or questions that you may have about a certain recipe you have always wanted to try? There's no harm in trying to strike up a conversation with someone you see of potential interest. Even when the conversation doesn't go anywhere, it's good practice for next time when maybe you'll be more successful.

If your group members have already tried all of these things in the search for love, maybe they should move their search online and explore some of the dating websites. While it can certainly be an emotional rollercoaster and I wouldn't advise it until you're feeling quite confident about yourself and indifferent to the many times you'll strike out, I can attest to how well it
can work. Afterall, that's where I met my fiance.

Remember that you have to love yourself before you can love somebody else. The reason that you love yourself is because you love who you are. You are who you are when you are in your element, doing the things you love. Finding love begins with finding someone who loves themselves for that exact reason. If you love doing some of the same things, it might just spark a relationship and help you find love.

I hope this helps.

Warm Regards,

Greg Goldberg

greg@tbitalks.com
www.tbitalks.com